saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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