sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
