Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
