I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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