I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
