So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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