Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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