i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
