If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
