How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I need water and some morals
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
