I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
