Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
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He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
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He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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