I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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