Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
