ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
