she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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