Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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