Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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