I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
