just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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