look no pants
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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