When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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