Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
