mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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