Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He shit in the fireplace
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
