And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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