i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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