Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
