but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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