Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
