just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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