i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
