Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We just shotgunned beers for America
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
