I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
