I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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