dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Randomize
