Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
