I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
