she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
