Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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