im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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