so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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