I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
