I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
