I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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