my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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