I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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