omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
