Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
