If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
