capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
