dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
