I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
